Okay, you’re happily sitting in your living room watching your two loving, caring, adorable children play together when suddenly BAM, one snatches a toy away from the other and all hell breaks loose. There is screaming, shrieking, and ultimately hitting. Before you know it, everyone is crying and you’ve lost your opportunity to finish you’re cup of coffee. You’re angry, they’re angry; the whole mood of the house has suddenly turned. What do you do? How do you help the children realize that they were 1. both in the wrong, 2. neither handled the situation well, and 3. keep your cool, resisting the urge to teach both a lesson by spilling coffee on their heads.

The answer, in this or similar situation is to breathe. Count to ten. Cliché, right?! I know. I can sense people rolling their eyes as they read. I’ve had parents roll their eyes at me when I share this with them. The thing is, though, that it works.

The very first thing I always try to teach people who are dealing with anger issues is to take a deep breath. At first is forced and often comes out as a gasp or seething rage. You breathe and count to 10. I first require three deep breaths and the counting. You aren’t allowed to talk during or between the deep breathing. No one is allowed to speak until this is done. After you’ve taken your breaths, you are allowed to speak, but in a non-screaming tone…if you’ve got to scream, you breathe again or move on to another technique (more on that tomorrow!).

This works for most people most of the time. Really, it does. It seems too simple to do anything, but it does one very important thing: takes impulse out of the equation.

Remember that anger is one of three primal emotions: love, fear, anger. These primal emotions evoke primitive reactions. Primitive reactions are impulsive and short-sighted. Anger and fear both evoke the fight or flight feeling in us. This I’m going to punch your or run feeling is instinctive….you must learn to control it. What “Breathe and Count” (as I like to call it) does is literally makes you stop. Your impulsive reaction cannot take place because you are actively replacing it with something that takes deliberate thought. This does not mean you suddenly won’t feel angry any more, it simply puts you in a better state of mind to handle the situation and express your frustration in a constructive way.

Doing this takes practice! And sometimes practice can seem silly. This skill, like all skills, must be modeled in order to be learned. An adult can probably handle modeling and practicing it themselves. Children, on the other hand, will need explicit instruction. I, personally, like to discuss emotions with children frequently. Take a teachable moment, like the toy/screaming/slapping/coffee incident and use it. First, make sure you took your moment and did not in fact spill hot coffee on your children and retreat to a bubble bath. Second, put some space between the kids and say “Ok, we are all a little worked up. Let’s all take a big breath and blow it out.” Yes, they will probably blow their breathe out like the Big Bad Wolf trying to take down the Little Pigs, but it doesn’t matter…what matters, is the act of taking a minute.

Model this over and over. Exaggerate it to the point of ridiculousness. I am notorious for thinking out loud to my children. I’ll say “Man I’m angry, I think I’ll take some deep breaths.” I’ll even count out loud. If I’m really peeved I’ll say, “Wow, I still feel really angry, I better try some more deep breaths. Maybe I’ll count to 15 this time.” It sounds and looks absolutely bonkers, but the kids get it. My son, the young Aspie, had some real anger management difficulties when he was younger. We did this activity frequently. Now, when he begins to get frustrated he at least tries to take a minute. Sometimes his primitive instincts kick in and he starts to lash out…usually, though, he will take that minute to step back. It doesn’t solve his problem or remove his frustration, but it keeps him from ripping papers up and throwing them like confetti across the classroom.

Once you learn to “Breathe and Count,” you can move on to the next step…”Talking it out.” Yep, sounds cliché again, right? The phrase is, but I bet you’ve never done it quite like this! Until next time, remember… take the time to breathe.