“Tell me how that makes you feel…” I can hear men (and many women) cringing all over the world. Why are we like that? What is it about talking about our feelings that makes us all suddenly very quiet? We are willing to share intimate daily details on Facebook, but not share how we feel with our close friends and family members?

People talk all the time. Talking is a very important part of life…especially the part about our feelings. I don’t mean the lay on the couch and talk about how we’ve been done wrong vision that many of us have when we bring up the idea of discussing feelings. What I am discussing is the basic communication skills necessary to build and maintain relationships with the people around us. Subscribing to this idea of open communication is especially important when we discuss anger management.

Remember, anger is an inborn emotion. Anger is not learned, it is part of our survival system from the get go. We also know that primitive emotions bring primitive reactions. The key word there is reaction…anger makes us button up and want to do something. It is easier for us to shut our mouths and pout than it is to say “I feel angry.” When we refuse to discuss what it is that is making us angry, we simply let the anger build up. Anger, when not addressed, can simmer inside of us for a long time. When this happens, it begins to change our everyday attitudes and outlook. Suddenly little things set you off and you cannot express why. So, do yourself a favor and open your mouth!

Whoa- let’s put some qualifiers on that first. When I suggest discussing your anger with the people involved, I don’t mean to “let them have it.” This isn’t your permission slip to yell and scream at everyone you meet, and tell them that some crazy blog lady told you we had to share our feelings. If you are following these suggestions, you won’t have the urge to yell quite as much because you’ve already taken the time to breath and count.

Once you’ve taken the time to calm your mind, you can rationally discuss an issue. Did your little diva use your favorite lipstick as a crayon on your favorite blouse? The mere thought of it can make us cringe. However, instead of throwing the lipstick angrily in the trash, yelling relentlessly at your cowering child, banishing them to their room with stale bread and water, and then screaming at your other children to never be so stupid…take a breath. Realize that this is frustrating, but not the end of the world. You feel slightly calmer and are able to say, “I feel really frustrated and sad that you used my lipstick. We only draw on paper with crayons. These are mommy’s things, please don’t use them. You made a bad choice; let’s talk about consequences for this choice.”

Not only have you taken the high road, you’ve still expressed your feelings in a way that doesn’t put the entire house in cranky pants mode. Realistically, your sharing may be more along the lines of, “I really don’t like when you use my stuff! I’m really mad. Go to your room while I think of what is going to happen.” Still, that is better than overreacting entirely. It is important to note that regardless of the words used, you must use the word “I” when talking about your feelings. These I statements are crucial in any communication, especially when dealing with raw emotion. It is a lot easier to just scream “You make me so mad,” but it isn’t very productive. These are your feelings; you are justified to have them. When you try to put the blame immediately on someone else with the word “you” then everyone suddenly becomes very defensive. Using I allows us to take responsibility for our feelings and emotions while suggesting the other person take responsibility for their actions.

There is a reason that I used an adult example to demonstrate the “Talking it Out” phase of these anger management steps. Adults have to learn to talk before we can expect children to talk. If, as adults, we refuse to show emotion and how we work through it, our children will not learn to do it themselves. Children mimic. Children must be shown how to handle these situations before they can do so independently. That isn’t to say if you handle anger well your child will instantly be as peaceful as the Dali Lama. Remember that anger is the most difficult emotion to both express and control productively. Be an example to your child and use their real-life examples to teach them. Let’s use the example from yesterday:

You’re happily sitting in your living room watching your two loving, caring, adorable children play together when suddenly BAM, one snatches a toy away from the other and all hell breaks loose. There is screaming, shrieking, and ultimately hitting. Before you know it, everyone is crying and you’ve lost your opportunity to finish you’re cup of coffee. You’re angry, they’re angry; the whole mood of the house has suddenly turned. What do you do? How do you help the children realize that they were

1. both in the wrong,

2. neither handled the situation well, and

3. keep your cool, resisting the urge to teach both a lesson by spilling coffee on their heads.

After everyone has done their “breathe and count” routine, it is important to open a dialogue. “Billy, I see you feel angry that Susie snatched your toy. Can you tell her how you feel?” Then help Billy use his words to say “I’m angry.” “Susie, I see you’re angry that Billy hit you. Tell him how hitting made you feel.” Then Susie must tell Billy she felt hurt or angry. Everyone has aired their grievances. No body’s feelings have changed yet, but words instead of fists are being used.

With children especially, it is important to follow up with ways to handle themselves in the future. Using this example, mom might say, “Billy, next time Susie snatches a toy I want you to tell her you don’t like that. Maybe you could offer to share the toy. Hitting is not okay; it hurts your sister and makes her feel mad. Susie, snatching is not okay. Next time you want to play with Billy’s toy, you need to ask if you can share or play with it when he is finished. Let’s practice.”

Then you practice. I know it’s another one of those awkward moments when you feel really silly. Trust me, though, practice makes permanent. Soon enough you will see those wheels turning in your child’s head when they feel angry. At first, when displaying their knowledge on their own, it might come out more like “Susie, you’re a poo poo head and I’m mad at you!” but it is still progress. No biting or bleeding! Baby steps people!

If you absolutely feel ridiculous working things out by role playing with your children (and let’s face it, we all sometimes do), enlist the help of some of their toys. Any toy will do…I am especially fond of puppets…and have the children use their toys to act out situations. You might even notice them doing this on their own while playing. That’s good news, it means they were paying attention and are seeking to master their skill.

Many times these two steps, “breathe and count” and “talk it out” are enough to squelch any wanna be fit of rage. However, there are times when the best thing to do is walk away for a bit. Next time we’ll discuss when it’s best to walk away and safe spaces for those days when punching something just seems like a good idea. Until then, be sure to take time to talk it out.