Anger Management... Walk Away
Sometimes it’s best to walk away. There are times when the best course of action warrants more than a deep breath or a conversation. Sometimes you try to calm down and you simply cannot do it while staring directly at your problem. You need a break, do a chore around the house, a bath, or maybe just a good scream and cry. Whatever it is you need, do it. No problem has been solved by staying in a volatile situation. I’m not suggesting you walk away and completely ignore your anger and frustration. What I’m trying to say is sometimes it takes more than ten seconds and well-scripted words to address a situation.
The reason for needing to walk away can be as varied as the reasons for angry outbursts in the first place. Maybe you, or your child, is incredibly impulsive and needs more time away to become centered and avoid punching someone in the face. Maybe the argument is so personal to you that your need for time is less for anger and more to address the punched in the gut feeling you have. It doesn’t matter why you need the time; if you feel you need time take it. Do me a favor though, take just as much time as you need to calm down then come back to address the situation. Walking away doesn’t keep you from talking, it simply allows you to tame your primitive instincts and come back ready to have civilized conversation.
Before you go traipsing off for quick jog through the neighborhood to calm down, do a few things first: 1. If children are involved, make sure their safe. Don’t decide that they’ll be fine, be sure they have supervision. 2. Don’t drive upset. It’s not worth it. Your car will be there to have a victory drive when you feel better. 3. Take your phone with you. You don’t have to plan on calling anyone, just make sure you have it in case you need it or someone really needs to contact you. There is nothing more unsettling than knowing someone left upset and then can’t be reached.
Sometimes we are so caught up in a moment that we do not even realize we need to walk away for a bit. That’s when it’s handy to have a code word. It sounds silly…and that’s part of the charm…but a code word is a simple phrase that anyone (including the kids) can use during a confrontation that says things stop immediately and everyone takes a break. At our house if someone feels another family member is overreacting, we say “Hey, ____, go pluck your eyebrows.” That simple. We all know that if we are asked to pluck our eyebrows it means we’ve gone too far or someone is uncomfortable with the way things are going. We rarely have to use it, but it is nice to know it’s there. Not to mention, it sounds ridiculous and often makes everyone giggle. Nothing calms our primitive emotions quite like laughing at the thought of a second grade Aspie plucking his eyebrows. This, of course, won’t work for random people met of the street, but since most arguments are with people we know and love, it’s a pretty safe bet your code word will get used.
When we, as adults, decide to take a break, we usually have an idea of where we want to go. We have a safe haven of some sort, or at the very least an activity that we know calms us. Our children are not always able to make those decisions…especially if they are so angry about something that they’ve lost all perspective and control of their emotions. It happens to children frequently. Usually it happens over things we don’t understand. For instance, your child can have a complete and total meltdown over the loss of a favorite toy. I’m mean can’t speak through the sobs, limp on the floor, swings at anyone that comes close melt down. Okay, you’re not going to be able to talk about it or do anything about it until that child calms down. They aren’t going to calm down with anything but time. In this instance, the best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to make sure they are in a place that is safe. If they need to have a screaming flailing fit, let them do it away from others and in a place where they are least likely to hurt themselves. Stay close enough to help if they need it, but far enough away to keep your sanity.
At our house, our children have two types of meltdowns. We have a diva meltdown that is best handled alone in her room where she can be as dramatic as needed. There is sobbing, theatrics, dolls fainting, comments about ruined lives, the whole nine yards. Imagine teenage angst mixed with an Emmy worthy performance. She doesn’t need me to help her when she’s in a mood. She needs to get it out of her system. I can’t stand the drama, she can’t stand the lack of interest in the fact her shoes have lost their glitter. I don’t judge her anger. She can’t help that she’s angry over it, because anger is an emotion. We don’t control emotions, only how we handle them. Whatever seemingly ridiculous issue has her overcome with emotion simply needs time. When she calms down, she comes to me and asks how we can save up for more shoes. The time helped her become rational again…well, as rational as any diva.
We also have two Aspies. The younger Aspie still has complete and total meltdowns where he has really lost control of himself. Regardless of what set it off…usually Legos or homework…he can no longer handle himself. He needs help. For situations like this, we either sit on a soft spot so our flailing doesn’t hurt us or go to our safe place. For him, the safe place in our game room. In our game room we have a ball pit, exercise trampoline, pillows, and his beloved Legos. There is nothing in there that will bring harm to him, and has things that make him happy. He goes in there, jumps, builds, screams, and sometimes throws stuff. He knows if he must throw it cannot be at anyone or towards the windows. He also knows if he throws he will, eventually, have to pick it up. There is also plenty of room to punch pillows if he must hit something or simply lie down and cry. Eventually he will calm down and we are ready to talk about what upset him to begin with.
Most importantly, we don’t hold grudges. When someone here has a fight and acts in a way that requires time away, we let it go. After we’ve all talked about the issue, come up with a plan, and-if necessary- ideas to better handle a situation, it’s done. Period. It shouldn’t be brought up six months later. If you must bring it up, then you didn’t handle it to begin with. It ceases to be fair game once it’s been resolved. Similarly, when you decide to manage and address your emotions, you must be honest. You cannot say you aren’t angry when you are. You cannot say “It’s fine, I’m happy,” and then become angrier when no one does anything to make you feel better. If you make a habit of respecting other people’s emotions, they will respect yours. If you cannot do this, then don’t expect anyone to be able to fix it.
I’ve saved some important information for the last article in this series: when to get help and how to get it. There are times when the best plan of action is to call in the troops and seek some real change. While these instances are rare, they are very important. So, please come back tomorrow as we conclude the series on anger management. In the meantime, be sure and take a little alone time for yourself today.