Crisis cannot be avoided. I don’t mean an, “oh no, we’re out of Dr. Pepper!” crisis. (And yes, at this house, for this mama, that is a crisis!) I am talking about the type of crisis that stops your family, friends, or the nation in its tracks. Those moments in each of our lives that make us stop and question the who, what, when, where and why of the universe. Crisis such as these are difficult to wrap our own heads around, let alone the highly intelligent, analytical, right vs. wrong brains of children.

When my oldest was nine, there was a rash of school shootings. He was absolutely terrified…we all were. Watching him over the next week was heart-wrenching. He was mortified and confused. We did our best to limit his exposure to the gory details, but one day I caught him watching videos of news coverage on his tablet. My sweet little boy was searching for answer himself rather than watching his usual Lego videos.

I was devastated. Until that very moment, he hadn’t asked a single question. I knew he knew about the event, that he had been saddened by the event, but I had no clue that he had been touched so very deeply. I certainly had no clue he was so confused he didn’t even know who to ask for answers. Over the next few days, we talked a lot about this event and others in history. He asked all the “usual” questions, like “Why?!” but he also asked deeper questions about life and why some people have trouble differentiating between right and wrong. After answering all his questions to the best of my ability, we discussed things we could do to prevent tragedy and also reaffirmed he can always speak to us before becoming so upset.

Unfortunately, crisis has not slowed down since then. More and more our children are exposed to tragedy and unthinkable adjustments to their lives, schedules, and calls in to question everything they have known. All to often, as adults, we assume if we don’t talk about something the children around us will be oblivious. This is, and I cannot state this enough, simply not true.

Not only do our children usually know that something is happening, they know when we are not being honest with them about it. This is especially true if your child is in a school setting, even daycare. Teachers talk, students talk, news is overheard. The key to handling crisis is not ignoring the crisis. Instead, it is best to handle the difficult situations head on. Here are four tips on doing that with the young people in your life.

  1. Don’t try to hide the bad news. As a parent, our gut instinct is to protect our children. Occasionally we mistake withholding information as protection. Children know when you’re hiding something…they also realize hiding means something negative is happening. Why else would a child hide something they’ve broken? We hide things we’re afraid and ashamed of. Crisis is nothing to be ashamed of. When faced with bad news, rather than hide it, be upfront. Tell your child in an age appropriate way what is going on. Assure them that the situation will be, or has been, handled. Let your child know that whatever the crisis, you will keep them informed as much as you are able. Being upfront allows your child to be open and honest, as well as giving your child acknowledgment that something is amiss, but will be taken care of.

  2. Be honest. As a general rule, young children are very concrete, honest people. The world tends to be very black and white for them. Knowing this, you must be honest in order to maintain their trust. If you say things are fine when they are obviously not, they will question all information you give them…not to mention, fear is immediately instilled when a normally open and honest caretaker suddenly tells an untruth. For this reason, it is important to be as honest as you can be in an age appropriate way. If, for example, you’re speaking of a school shooting, simply say, “A disturbed person made a very bad choice, went into a school and hurt some people.” If your child isn’t ready for details, don’t share them. Use your gut and share what is necessary to reassure your child…no more, no less. Remember that you know your child better than anyone. It is also important to be honest about your feelings. If your child asks how you feel, be honest. Tell them you are scared, sad, and angry. Let them know that all emotions are okay.

  3. Watch the media exposure. I realize it sounds like an oxymoron to tout openness, but to limit exposure to media. However, media today is simply too intense for many children (heck, I have trouble watching the news sometimes!) Remember that even your favorite news station is in the business of entertainment. The more exceptional a story, the more air time it will garnish. We are not only given information, but we are bombarded with graphic images and first hand accounts. This doesn’t even include all the misinformation usually shared within the first 24 hours of a crisis. I’m not saying to burn all media devices, I am simply saying be careful. Choose exposure wisely and be there so you can answer questions.

  4. Follow up. Do not assume your child will forget a crisis after one day. Remember how much your child obsesses about that new Lego set? Expect just as much about a personal or global crisis. Some children may feel informed and move on. Other will need more reassurance, discussion and reminders that crisis is only temporary.

However you and your family choose to deal with crisis, remember that every person handles tragic events differently. Validate your child’s feelings, let them know that you are working your hardest to keep them safe and informed. Be open and honest about all events, even negative ones, and you will have laid the ground work for calmer and more effective crisis intervention. Clear communication lines lead to clear heads and safer actions. Above all, remember that you have control of how you handle things, do so wisely.