Siblings, as I see it, are both the biggest curse and largest blessing that one person can every hope to have. Seriously. I mean, think about it. For a first born: there you are minding your own business, soaking in all the love, affection, and attention your parents can possibly dole out and then, BAM! Suddenly, there is a small, loud, often stinky creature that sucks all the energy and attention out of good ole mom and dad. This creature then grows into a little person who only wants to follow you around and copy your every move. For the younger sibling you are born in a shadow. You are always too young to do what your older sibling is doing; too short to ride the cool rides, too young to stay out late, and mom and dad are too tired to do all of the things they did with big brother or sister…have you seen their baby book?! It is so much cooler than my own!

Parents, of course, know they love their children…regardless of how many they have…equally and do their best to give equal attention, money, effort, and general warm fuzzies to each member of a family. In a perfect world, this would always work out and everyone would always feel completely happy and equally loved. Each family member is all smiles and dreams of ice cream cones and sugar plums…right?! Wrong.

Life with a sibling isn’t always fair. Sure, there are the instant friendships, and shared stories, but there are also the rivalries and petty fights. This is especially true when one of the siblings is born with special or extra needs. Our little diva was born busy. Her early days were a far cry from the constant cuddling and non-stop mommy love of her brother. She was born and instantly put on display at school functions, OT appointments, doctor’s checkups, IEP meetings, and the grocery store. When our first child was born, I only left him in the care of my parents, my in-laws, or myself. Nobody else touched his precious fingers or wiped his baby butt. Not so much with little diva.

You see, little diva was born into our Aspie world. We already had a routine…a routine that cannot be changed. We spent months preparing brother for sister’s arrival. We read books, set up a nursery, practiced sleeping in our own bed, and playing by ourselves. Luckily, our Aspie was smitten at first sight. He was excited at the prospect of a playmate. Immediately, a fierce loyalty was forged that remains solidly in place today.

I laughed through gritted teeth when a friend from high school days approached me a few weeks ago about blatantly parading my daughter around while hiding my son from sight. Her thought process was that since she had seen more pictures of my daughter she was treated better. Our diva does dance, goes to the ballet, and enjoys attention…a lot. What this person did not take into account is

  1. Everyone has more pictures of children as babies and toddlers. I mean they are so cute and can’t run away.
  2. The diva loves to be in front of a camera, while both Aspies go to great lengths to avoid them.
  3. Our Aspie doesn’t like social situations…he either chooses not to participate or is not in a camera mood when we are out.
  4. Our diva spends most of her afternoons sitting through homework tantrums, OT appointments, scheduled social interactions, semi-structured play time, and general rigidity that typically developing children don’t always find enjoyable.

Don’t get me wrong, the diva isn’t suffering from attention malnourishment, far from it. She happily skips from place to place. Down time is equally split between brother’s Lego creations and diva dress up time. We practiced spelling words with brother, then dance moves with sister.

Having siblings isn’t always easy. Sometimes their needs supersede our own. Sometimes our needs outshine our siblings. Almost always, each person has their own strengths and weaknesses. The goal is not to have completely equal time, desires, and abilities. The goal is to play to our strengths, and help the other with their weaknesses. Family units are not static individuals, but growing teams of people who work together to make things function. It is not always fair…but it is always full of love and good intentions. My children go to bed each night with the echoes of one of my favorite children’s stories*. My Aspie knows I love him the reddest. The diva knows I love her bluest. Together, they know I love them the purplest. We go to bed loved and with our needs met. If today you didn’t get to do everything you wanted to do, there is always tomorrow.

*I Love You the Purplest by Barbara M. Joosse