How are you? We ask the question all the time, but I hate it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as guilty as anyone of asking it. I ask it endlessly to my own family…even when I know something is decidedly not okay. The answer we all give is, “I’m fine,” or “I’m okay.” Why do we all ask the same question, give the same answer and move on. I think that this does a great injustice to all people who are not actually okay. Our immediate reaction to this question is to say everything is hunky dory rather or not it is. The message this sends is that if you are not feeling okay then you’ve given the wrong answer.

The truth is, sometimes we aren’t doing alright. Sometimes life has thrown us something we don’t handle well. This is especially true in a house full of people on the spectrum. Did you know that 50% or more people who deal with Autism Spectrum Disorder have clinical depression? Furthermore, the research indicates that among people on the spectrum, 28% regularly contemplate suicide, whether they consider themselves to suffer from depression or not. (www.autismspeaks.org)

Those numbers are alarming…and for me, as the wife and mother of two autistic children, it is nauseatingly frightening. Of course, I am not really that surprised. I see it every day. The sudden sadness that can’t be explained, the lashing out (again, because the feelings being felt aren’t particular logical), the thought process that not only brings suicide into the brain, but makes it seem like the best option. The symptoms are the same as those who deal with these thoughts and problems in the neuro-typical world, but there is something that is different. Why is it so prevalent? Why are those on the spectrum so much more likely to go through with suicidal thoughts and tendencies?

The research on the why is much harder to pin down. Thoughts are varied and, frankly, many of the theories make sense. My guess, however, is that it is a combination of reasons that create a hospitable environment for depression and hopelessness to move in. Whether the cause is chemical imbalance caused by varied brain chemistry, a feeling of “being different” and misunderstood in a world that craves conformity, or different processing of emotions, the result is the same. We must provide support. Not only do we need to provide support, we need to provide support that is specific to those on the spectrum. Sure, typical treatments may work, but people on the spectrum are also more likely to not respond to medicinal therapy. For many, the medicines increase the suicidal thoughts or create a feeling that the person is detached or a “shell” of their selves. So, what do we do?

  • Get Help! Do not assume that you can handle depression or suicidal thoughts on your own. Whether a caregiver or the person suffering from depression, it is too big for you to handle on your own. Talk to somebody and tell them what is going on. Find a doctor you trust and work together to come up with solutions.
  • Understand that a cure isn’t easy. You cannot “fix” depression; you can control and cope with depression. The first medicine you take make not work…none of the medicines may work. If medicine doesn’t work, therapy can help. Be persistent. Do not say something works when it doesn’t. Be open and honest in order to come to the best solution.
  • Communicate. Communication is key for all things, but this is especially true for people dealing with depression. If you know someone is suicidal, don’t tell them to get over it. Say things like, “I hear you and I want to help.” If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, tell someone. Come up with a check-in plan to keep eyes and ears on the situation until help can be obtained.
  • If you are a caregiver, get yourself help too. The burden of depression is unthinkable for the person experiencing it. It is not much easier for the people affected daily by a loved one being depressed. Such exposure can lead to feelings of depression in the caregiver, hopelessness, or resentment. Try not to let this happen. Talk to friends or a doctor about what you need to be a good caregiver.
  • Remember it is not your fault. This is true for the depressed and the caregiver. No one asks for depression, anxiety, or suicidal tendencies. Depression is not your fault and you cannot allow yourself to think that. The harsh reality is that some people who suffer from depression and suicidal tendencies will lose the battle. As a caregiver, you must understand that you did everything you could and it was an illness that got the best of someone. It is tragic and absolutely devastating to those left behind, but there is no blame to be placed.
  • You are loved. It sounds cliché, but reminding people they are loved never gets old…even if they say or act like it does. Many times what comes across as apathy, detachment, or not caring is a defense mechanism meant to remove themselves from people they don’t want to hurt. They do hear that you love them. They appreciate the love; they just don’t feel they deserve it. Everyone deserves love.

If you are someone you know is suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts, do not feel like you have to say everything is okay. It is okay to not be okay. You are stronger than you think, and can find support to help take things one day at a time.

*Please note, the author shares a link to Autism Speaks in order to share the source of statistical information. The author is not and does not wish to be associated with the Autism Speaks organization.